Dee
Materia Dealer
Go for it.
Posts: 50
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Post by Dee on Mar 15, 2009 21:11:19 GMT
Title: The Art of Protection URL: HereGenre: General/Action/Suspense Characters/Pairings: Vincent, Reeve Rating: T Status: Chaptered, Incomplete Summary: Being a high-profile executive is not an easy job, but when there is an attempt on the life of the director of the WRO, his team of bodyguards find that their job isn't any easier. Type of feedback wanted: Anything and everything. I don't get a lot of feedback for my stories, and if I do, it takes months for people to bother leaving anything. So I'd appreciate whatever you guys have to offer.
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Post by Sai on Mar 16, 2009 1:33:20 GMT
Dee:
Please state which story you have reviewed in exchange for your story to be reviewed. If you haven't done so, please find a story in this thread and review it.
Sai
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Alma
Materia Dealer
Look at me still talking when there's science to do!
Posts: 74
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Post by Alma on Mar 17, 2009 18:51:14 GMT
Quintessence of an Aftermath
(I will leave a review on FF.net as well for you).
It flows better if written: "[...] we can fool ourselves into believing that we're human enough to remember" because otherwise the phrasing sounds a little odd.
Nice terse lines, but a little repetitive use of "But" to start a sentence. Try removing the "but" from the second line. It's shorter and more powerful as: "Nothing more than that."
In the third paragraph beginning with "Your eyes can betray [...]" - I actually had the reread the paragraph a couple of times in order to understand that Reno is addressing Tseng. At first, I thought it was Reno saying "you" as in "anyone", not a specific "you". This is more of an English language problem that is definitely not your fault, but I think you should add a sentence to the beginning of that paragraph, just to make it clear that Reno is specifically addressing another one of the grave attendees - i.e. Tseng. Perhaps something like, "I watch you carefully through the light rain as you stand across from me with your head down, your shoulders rigid." Something along those lines.
Just a grammatical error. Either "he's staying" or "he stays". Also, I would suggest putting a "-" after "was" instead of a comma because you begin listing qualities.
In general, I really like how you keep the lines succinct and choppy. It feels like a difficult situation that someone doesn't want to discuss, so its appropriate for the situation.
However, I found that its quite vague who exactly they are crying over. I know that is Zack only because the characters listed are "Zack and Tseng". You may wish to add a quick line or two after "For one man, we’ll cry." just stating why it's only for this one man. It could be, "He never deserved this. He was only doing what any one of us would have done in that situation: escape and live."
In regards to your A/N - don't get down on yourself if lots of people don't review! If you like writing, then write! ;D Don't worry if its angst filled or tragic. Just write what you want to and don't get discouraged! ^__^
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Alma
Materia Dealer
Look at me still talking when there's science to do!
Posts: 74
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Post by Alma on Mar 17, 2009 20:17:36 GMT
The 'I' in IdenticalHonestly, I really loved this story and I left you a gushy review on FF.net. The flow and structure were really well done. The only grammatical error I could find is as follows: Should be: 'My head is pounding,' he thought as he splashed cool water over his face. Same with Should be 'Maybe I'll cut my hair tonight,' he thought, leering. Also, you don't need any quotes at all around his thoughts, but maybe that's just your style. That's it! ;D I personally thought your characterization was excellent. I'm not familiar with Lazard's character because I never played Crisis Core (no psp ) but I was able to learn a lot about him just from reading your short fic! Well done! ------------------------------ [EDIT] - Forgot to add the story I would like reviewed. Title: Prologue to Corrosion URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4917480/1/Prologue_to_CorrosionGenre: General Characters/Pairings: Cloud / Tifa Rating: T+ Status: complete, prequel to another story I've got Summary: Love blossoms then deteriorates. Sometimes things are better left undeveloped. Some monsters should stay faceless. Dark CloTi. Not fluff. Type of feedback wanted: Anything at all. Be as harsh as you want. I wanna know everything that's wrong - flow, structure, plot, grammar, anything! A big thanks in advance! ;D
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Post by narayanfx on Mar 19, 2009 22:25:39 GMT
Thank you Alma! Got your review on there and here. The grammar corrections are just what I need. (I'm TERRIBLE at it!) I will take a look at your story as well.
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Post by Moira Rose on Mar 20, 2009 15:49:19 GMT
Reviewed Alma's story. I do hope that I was of use! I realised that my review was a bit...draggy and written when my head wasn't screwed on properly.
Story I want someone to look through?
Title: First of Many
URL:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4891368/1/First_of_Many
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Characters/Pairings: Reno, Tseng.
Rated: T for slight gore.
Status: Oneshot, complete.
Summary: You remember your first assassination like it was yesterday and the way the life in her eyes slowly faded away.
Feedback wanted: This story was really done as descriptive essay, as well as this way for me to vent my anger in as dark and as twisted a way as I could. It was also a hypothetical scenario of an assassination, which I tried to make more metaphorical and psychological than real gore and blood.
That said, I've realised that it was hardly as good as I imagined, so I really need someone to help me look at it, especially targeting the mechanics and the language I've used. If you could help, GA, it would really be appreciated.
Thanks!
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Krynn
Slum Dweller
No yaoi, plzkthx.
Posts: 10
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Post by Krynn on Apr 4, 2009 0:03:47 GMT
I reviewed Moira Rose's fic. ---- Title: Materia URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4503878/1/MateriaGenre: Humor/Romance Characters/Pairings: Yuffiesis Rating: T Status: An in-progress chapterfic. Summary: Yuffie comes up with a plan to procure materia for the restoration of Wutai. Which SOLDIER First Class will be gullible enough to fall for her trick? Genesis Rhapsodos. Yuffiesis, minor timeline changes, mostly postDoC. Type of feedback wanted: I know this thing is full of fail, so leave loads of concrit- especially on how I can improve my characterization. I'd also prefer it if you left the concrit on the fic rather than in this thread.
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