Clan Dragoon
SOLDIER Third Class
"Well, since Aerith died, she unofficially got bumped up to 'main heroine' status"
Posts: 639
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Post by Clan Dragoon on Jan 26, 2009 4:55:56 GMT
reviewed Moira Rose's above myself - hope I was of some use... Title: Ten Minute Memoir URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4709068/1/Ten_Minute_MemoirGenre: Drama/Hurt/Angst Characters/Pairings: Tifa Lockhart/None Rating: T Status: one-shot Summary: "You’re a frozen vegetable." Reno had always been punctual in that sense. And when the doctors couldn’t waste their time to continually tell you, Reno volunteered to save Cloud the pain of repeating it. To remind you of that dark circle in your brain. Type of feedback wanted: Harsh critique. I can take a punch and I want this piece to be perfect - this will be the second time I've asked someone to go through it. I'm mainly looking for style - understand upfront, this piece is very different and uses two contrasting POV's to make a point. It's based off Memento - and though it does help if you've seen the movie or know the basic concept, but I feel I shouldn't tell to really make sure it's clear what actually happened in the story. Feedback can be left in review format in the story itself or here, whichever you choose. Thank you.
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Post by Moira Rose on Jan 27, 2009 6:09:32 GMT
[Reviewed yours Clan Dragoon xD Hope it was of some help. Yours certainly was.] I feel disgustingly stupid asking for another review, but I just got this one out, and I really need to know how it is. Title: Any Moment Now URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4809708/1/Any_Moment_NowGenre: Romance/Angst Characters/Pairings: Zack/Aerith Rated: K+ Status: Oneshot Summary: She clung on, she wrote all those letters, because then she could fool herself that he was still coming back. Zerith Feedback form: I really want this to be good, so I'm asking for concrit and flames if necessary. Scream about ANYTHING that seems/is wrong with it. Thanks y'all.
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Clan Dragoon
SOLDIER Third Class
"Well, since Aerith died, she unofficially got bumped up to 'main heroine' status"
Posts: 639
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Post by Clan Dragoon on Jan 29, 2009 8:23:11 GMT
Dear MR, I'm going to leave feedback here for you about the above piece so that perhaps a discussion should follow, that and formatting is easier to what I'm exactly referring to - I'll gladly move to a review if you want however. First off, I'll get technical grammatical errors out of the way that I spotted - I have a short memory sometimes. I think you're missing an "of" before the "the", and of course a period. Needs a space between the comma and period (note, I'm not saying this because I think you wouldn't know that- It's in case your vision is as horrid as mine and you can't see there needs to be a space. Just know I have faith in your understanding the space bar and commas, and other simplistic grammar. That phrase - during the old woman sequence I feel uses the word "quickly" too close in repetition. Please note that i'm just extremely abnormal about things like that - so I wouldn't take too much thought into it unless you agree. The above just sounds strange on the tongue to me. Now to the real content. The most obvious thing that really stands out to me, that I would consider changing, is the reference to New Years and Christmas holidays. I nit pick over those simply because they do not fit in the FF7 universe, and because this piece rests so heavily on the game timeline, it seems silly to then have Aeris a Christian and celebrate very Americanized holidays. That said, I (think I) understand why they were used - as a means to help underline just how much Aeris entrusted Zack to come back, with the present and dream and such, no? And I feel that if you did leave them out that you could find more creative means to still get Aeris to have a gift waiting for Zack's return. Perhaps she's building something for him? Or working on the flower cart he built her - hoping he'll be impressed at her handiwork. I don't know. But you should know that if you hadn't asked for anything that stood out to us as off, I wouldn't have even touched on the holidays. Which is just my way of saying that the piece could easily survive if they stayed - because i still enjoyed it. Other then that - it wasn't really a matter of what should be taken out, but what should be expanded upon. I was expecting the flowers to become somewhat of a motif rather then a use for passing time and props for a scene with Aerith. An example having them start to wilt in the age as she waits for Zack - reflective of her diminishing hope? But perhaps that's too obvious - and is why you avoided it. Or perhaps they were a motif and I completely missed the point... But at the moment she simply sells them, they fill up Midgar in time, connect her the old woman scene and remind us that she's afraid of the sky. But perhaps I missed something? The scene between Zack and Aeris in the dream-like, conscious state, will be the next topic I'll touch. Because it's so abstract and sits on a plot point that would should be so vital and emotional to the story it feels rather flat. And I mean that in the kindest way. Personal belief is that there's too much dialogue taking up the scene rather then the emotion. Which I think should be reversed because of what's literally taking place - not just the fact that they're speaking in a manner through the minds but because it is right before his death. The only real clues we get of Aerith's feelings are through two lines: and... And true, as fans of the series we would be able to create an appropriate emotional response of how the scene would go down for Aeris while reading - but you have such beautiful snippets throughout the piece such as: that I have complete faith that you could flesh that out more and make a lovely impact for the final punch of the story. Other then those things, the fact that Tseng would be carrying 89 letters in his pocket was a little odd- perhaps have him reflect back to the letters on his desk? Rereading this, it comes off rather negative and I want you to know that I really did enjoy the story, and that i simply used this space to reflect on things that could be improved. In the morning I'll leave a review in the actual story of all the things i did like to balance - after-all, every author needs a pat on the back. But really, I hope some of this helped, and if you have any questions or I was not clear enough - please feel free to address them - here to help. Clan Title: Seven Days LaterGenre: Friendship/Romance - it really could go either way, just depending on what the reader wants to see. Characters/Pairings: Tifa and Aeris Rating: K Status: One- shot Summary: A simplistic scene in the dwindle of Valentine's Day. Aeris sits alone to reflect with an Idealist on her own missing Cinderella story. She hadn't expected anything special on this day, but that just left room for her to be surprised. Feedback wanted: Anything that doesn't work for the story - symbols don't make sense, there's a spelling or grammatical error. I'm getting the story ready for a contest coming up, and just another pair of eyes is needed/wanted. And like MR above me, I too feel foolish asking for another review - but I trust everyone here. So in the end, it's a good thing.
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Post by ladyavarice on Feb 8, 2009 6:36:05 GMT
Clan Dragoon: I don't know what I was expecting, but that wasn't it. I don't do well on picking little things apart but I'll do my best to give what you asked for.
First off, juxtaposition. The way you balanced the guys in one situation and the girls in another, or even Aeris against what she believes her 'bred' place to be is wonderful. It's rare to actually find introspecive bits from Aeris' view that aren't all peace and dreams is -rare-. It's really refreshing to see her as just another young girl.
Second, playing charactes against each other. I really like how you made Tifa so thoughtful in the fic. It's kind of hard to see her really being like that, but that can be easily blamed on too many fics where she's all fighter or air-head. It's a different view of Tifa and it's nice to see a fic where she's neither hero nor villan, but someone just trying to get by. it makes her more real.
Third, humor. That bit with the boot made me choke on my drink, thank you. Aeris should be thankful Tifa didn't use -Barret's- boot. That would have had to have been death by stink. Eww.
Overall, love the story. As a V-Day loner myself, it's nice to see that not everyone is writing romancey mush, but also some feel-good bits about just being who you are. I'm putting this in my C2 just so you know. Nice work.
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Post by ladyavarice on Feb 8, 2009 6:50:28 GMT
Ok, putting up my pet projects here. The only reason I'm listing two is because I don't know how many people here are actually familiar with Gundam Wing or The Crow. It's a one or the other option. I will happily review others' works upon request. Title: As the Crow Flies URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4613388/1/As_the_Crow_FliesGenre: horror/suspense Characters/Pairings: *not yet decided Rating: M for situations and language Status: chaptered, WiP Summary: Some people have guardian angels, some people have something a little... different. Crossover between Gundam Wing and The Crow. Type of feedback wanted: concrit, would prefer reviews directly in this thread etc, though leaving a review with the story makes me rather happy Title: Chaos Courting URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4628777/1/Chaos_CourtingGenre: drama/romance Characters/Pairings: Cloud/Chaos Rating: M Status: one-shot, complete Summary: An unexpected visit brings an unexpected boon. Type of feedback wanted: concrit, would prefer reviews directly in this thread etc, though leaving a review with the story makes me rather happy Side note: I've already been convinced to make some other/more stories on the Chaos Courting universe, heck it's what got me here in the first place! I'd love to hear ideas here about what you think.
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Post by Sai on Feb 8, 2009 9:02:35 GMT
Hiya, Lady. Chaos Courting: The first thing I noticed was that you rely heavily on imagery. While this is normally a good and acceptable thing, you seemed to purple prose a lot of it. This is okay in moderation, but in certain spots you went a little overboard: "The man in his arms arched and cried out in surprised pain, writhing against him in an attempt to break loose, blue eyes glowing brightly as mako flooded his system with adrenaline. It did him no good, seeing as his own eyes flared bright gold, muscles tightening to keep the precious catch. And all the thrashing did was open the wounds a bit wider and splash his tongue with more of the addicting liquid." You could have easily wrote this without adding in unneeded details, or going off on a bit of a tangent. "Precious Catch" and "splash his tongue" are two examples of your purple prose. Also, you have an old, almost traditional way of writing. It is almost Victorian in its age, which also causes an issue with the prose. By nature, some writers rely heavily on their thesaurus and heady descriptions. This is good in moderate doses. When overdone, it is very much like a stereotypical teenage vampire novel. Yours doesn't quite breach that wall, but it gets close. Your use of old English patterns with Chaos is archaic sometimes. Next thing I noticed is you refer to Cloud by a lot of different things. "Blonde, man, small man, slim figure, youth, slight figure, small form, little mate, warrior, creature, savior, fallen angel, angel, precious burden, mate, burden, young man, smaller one, sleeping beauty, Savior of the World." And, those are the only ones that I caught. That's a lot of epithets. Most of the time, you should avoid using epithets at almost all costs. Occasionally throwing them in, but with about 1500 words, the use of that many epithets is a little too much. Granted, that's my personal opinion. You really didn't explain /why/ Chaos was around, how he came to realize that Cloud was his mate, or why Cloud was there. This led to confusion on my part: why is that happening? Why is he there? Since when has Chaos drank blood? Next, you really play on the SemeDom/ukesub part of the relationship. As a person who writes slash, and quite a lot of it at that, I was a bit perplexed. You really, really made Cloud out to be the uke. And, while that's not a bad thing, I think you're relying too heavily on that stigma. Seme/uke relationships are fine, but when you kind of conform to a lot of yaoi stereotypes (especially with those epithets) it gets a little dry. Yet, once again, opinion. I did, however, like that you gave Chaos a personality. Usually he's a crazy, murdering nutjob. You gave him a bit of humanity, even though I don't think it all makes sense as to /why/ he is. So... Yeah. I'm sorry if I was harsh! I don't mean to be. But, I hope that that helps you. If you want me to clarify, feel free to ask away. Sometimes I word things in a way I understand but others can't. -Sai (Because I have so many freaking stories that have to do with slash, I'll put up three choices... Title: Amor Vincit Omnia URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4486321/1/Amor_Vincit_OmniaGenre: Romance/Tragedy Characters/Pairings: Vincent/Sephiroth Rating: M Status: One-Shot Summary:There was a chill in his bones. Winter was coming, and with it death. A child, a man, a monster. Sephiroth brought in the season of cold. Type of feedback wanted: One of the stories nominated. I want to rip into it, however. Gouge it, shank it, pull it to pieces with your awesome con-crit. However, if there is anything nice you like, telling me would me nice, as well. You can post it here or in a review. Title: Chalk Butterflies URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4401637/1/Chalk_ButterfliesGenre: Romance/Tragedy Characters/Pairings: Weiss/Nero Rating: M Status: One Shot Summary: Their relationship was one that could only be seen as fleeting and fragile. Type of feedback wanted: Same as Omnia: lots of con-crit and if you like anything, point that out as well. And... because some people freaking HATE slash. Title: Toxicology URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4444279/1/ToxicologyGenre: Romance/Suspense Characters/Pairings: Yuffie/Reno Rating: T Status: one-shot Summary: Reno and Yuffie sit down and have a drink. One with a gun and poison. Type of feedback wanted: Same as the other two. However, if you could focus more on the character/hetness, it would be helpful. As this was the first firmly het thing I've written, I'm still unsure about it all.
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Post by ladyavarice on Feb 9, 2009 0:17:22 GMT
*snicker* It's fine. Honestly, considering that was a 1 hour muse-beat-me-over-the-head rush job, I'm pretty happy that it came out as well as it did! And no where in there did I say Cloud fully returned what Chaos was thinking/doing, but rather that he's the middle of the whole mess. I usually don't write anything that has a really strict sub/dom idea to it. Right nowl, I'm blaming instincts. Some of the confused bits you pointed out are actually going to be addressed in the spin-offs. As for the blood, plot device!
As soon as I get my computer working agian (stealing time on a friend's) I'll read yours. Thanks again!
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Post by Moira Rose on Feb 9, 2009 13:23:47 GMT
In response to Clan's review of Any Moment Now...
I'm working on changing it around. It's quite difficult at points, but the grammar nigglies (random invented word) are fixed, thankfully. My eyes are proudly 600-degrees-glasses-needing lousy. Oh well.
I'm not really wanting to take out the part about the celebrations. I know it sounds horribly insolent of me, but it's not that. It's just that, the effect of the holidays help with moving the plot forward. The world hasn't been saved by Cloud and Co yet, so there's no Meteor Day or Savior Day or Cloud Day to bank on.
But other than that, I loved your feedback. My love to you.
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Post by sixthlimb on Feb 9, 2009 23:08:21 GMT
Miss Sai:
I reviewed Amor Vincit Omnia. I guess I'll put my junk here.
I don't normally care for yaoi/slash anymore, but I read it and I can see why it was nominated. Really, the only things I caught were a few spelling/grammatical(?) errors (i.e., alter should be altar, um... "Vincent felt a soft tongue against is cheek", "he took the down to his body", or something like that, which had me thinking like "like...like feathers? wat") and the weird sorta-sorta unnaturalness to the dialogue between Sephiroth and Vincent. BUT OH, it's probably just that they're meant to sound a little poetic in congruence with everything else. In which case, I guess it's okay?
I really dunno, I'm terrible at critiquing. It's like a pox on my house.
My turn, again...unfortunately.
Eh nevermind.
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Clan Dragoon
SOLDIER Third Class
"Well, since Aerith died, she unofficially got bumped up to 'main heroine' status"
Posts: 639
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Post by Clan Dragoon on Feb 10, 2009 1:15:22 GMT
In response to Clan's review of Any Moment Now... I'm working on changing it around. It's quite difficult at points, but the grammar nigglies (random invented word) are fixed, thankfully. My eyes are proudly 600-degrees-glasses-needing lousy. Oh well. I'm not really wanting to take out the part about the celebrations. I know it sounds horribly insolent of me, but it's not that. It's just that, the effect of the holidays help with moving the plot forward. The world hasn't been saved by Cloud and Co yet, so there's no Meteor Day or Savior Day or Cloud Day to bank on. But other than that, I loved your feedback. My love to you. I completely understand about the holidays - as I said, normally, I wouldn't even comment on them. I just thought i'd throw some creative comments at you - but the piece is still great with them. But anyway, it was my pleasure to read for you - I enjoy your work heavily and if you ever need a second opinion on anything, please feel free to look me up. It's great to see such a young and promising author. Keep it up, MR!
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Post by Moira Rose on Feb 10, 2009 14:15:32 GMT
Aww thanks! I'm already horribly egoistic but that blew my ego well out of proportion.
And I'm glad to have someone to look through it over again. The more input the better.
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Feb 16, 2009 7:55:24 GMT
Hey, question, what happened to the post with t3hmaniac's fic that I said I would read on the first page. I never actually got a chance to do that and I was hoping to take the time to amend that fact right now. :/
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Post by Moira Rose on Feb 16, 2009 13:07:38 GMT
Wow! Nentikobe is ALIVE. Aymayzayng. Sai: Hey! I hope your fingers feel better after typing out so many PMs to the people who got nominated. Okay, I read Toxicology. Technically, I dislike that pairing, but your fic was...enlightening. It caught the crux of their relationship. They're not perfect. Period. A few niggly things. “We both hold the gun. But we don't need to shoot.” This sentence made me stop for a moment. Yuffie's generally immature, so I can't picture her saying that. It seems too...-mature- for her. ". Not like I'm giving you any choice, really. I mean, what'll daddy, Cloud and the others say if they find out that you decided not to marry the poor, innocent little virgin you totally screwed." I think you need a question mark instead of a fullstop. "I mean, what would Vincent think, eh?” This made me stop again. What would Vincent think...I can't help but think that it's strange for her to immediately jump to Vincent. Maybe it's just my niggling mind, but I think the jump's a bit...abrupt. Other than that, great work! The story's flawless in its pace and its language. You set the scene perfectly and build the characters through dialogue, something I'll never be able to do. I give you a thumbs up. (Y) (EDIT: You mean this forum doesn't have that emote?!) I love this thread, and I feel like asking for one more review. Can I? Title: Quintessence of an Aftermath Genre: Good ol' Angst and Tragedy Characters: Reno, Tseng, Zack. Rating: T, but it really should be K+ at most. Status: Oneshot Summary: Dead and gone. Ought to be the end of that fiasco. One person’s dead, but I’ve lost two in the bargain. Reno’s POV. URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4609783/1/Quintessence_of_An_AftermathFeedback needed: This was a piece done spontaneously, so it's rather short and hasn't been beta-ed (oh horror!). Done on the spur of the moment, so whack it with everything you've got. I'm young, but my skin's thickened since then. I want it to be good, so whacking is wanted. Either review it, or post your feedback here. Thanks!
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Feb 21, 2009 0:35:38 GMT
Yes I am alive. lol
And never mind everyone, I think I did actually read and review the fic I was asking about. XD
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Post by narayanfx on Mar 11, 2009 22:21:03 GMT
I reviewed Sai's Chalk Butterflies on ff.net I'll say it again though, my favorite line: “Look, my dear Weiss,” Nero said, opening his hands to Weiss' face. “I have a gift for you.” But the butterfly was dead. Its wings were bent at an odd angle and the feelers snapped off. The body was cut in half and Nero had choked back a sob, hiding his hands behind his back. They way you described the dead butterfly reminds me of Nero. Did you do that intentionally? Clever! *** If anyone wants to take a look here's the latest piece I did. Title: The 'I' in Identical URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4902894/1/The_I_in_IdenticalGenre:Angst/Family Characters/Pairings: Lazard/Rufus Rating: T Status: One Shot Summary: Lazard drabble, reflections and thoughts taking place during the events of crisis core. Type of feedback wanted: Since this is my first review, I want a general overview: strengths and weaknesses. Doesn't matter if you reply here or ff.net just let me know where at so i can find it. ^_^ Thanks
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