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Post by piedflycatcher on Sept 28, 2008 18:43:39 GMT
This is the thread to post links to your fics asking for reviews/feedback. Here are the rules: - Fanfiction only. It can be any fandom, but you're more likely to get feedback for fandoms members are familiar with. - Before you request reviews for your own fic, you must review somebody else who has requested for a review in this thread first. - This goes for every fic you post to be reviewed e.g. if you request feedback for three fics, you must have reviewed three other fics first. - State which fic(s) you reviewed at the top of your post. - All reviews must be substantial. You don't have to write an essay, but at least four or five lines is a reasonable minimum. - No flaming. Please respect the kind of feedback other writers have asked for e.g. if they don't want harsh criticism, don't give them harsh criticism. Fill in this form when you post requesting feedback: Title: URL: Genre: Characters/Pairings: Rating: Status: (e.g. oneshot/chaptered, complete/WiP etc) Summary:Type of feedback wanted: (e.g. concrit/no concrit, harsh/mild criticism, would prefer reviews posted at the story link itself, or directly in this thread etc) I'll start off to give an example. Obviously, there aren't any other fics for me to review yet, but I promise that I will give feedback to the next person who posts, provided it's a fandom I'm familiar with and the rating is T or below. EDIT: There, I reviewed Moira's fic. Title: Beginning URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4103408/1/BeginningGenre: Fantasy Characters/Pairings: Red XIII and cubs Rating: K Status: Oneshot, complete Summary: Nature regenerates the world anew, but humanity's past ought to be preserved. Nanaki takes his cubs to a place of many memories. Type of feedback wanted: Concrit welcome. Be harsh if necessary; as long as it's constructive, I can take it. For shorter reviews, please review on ff.net; for longer, more detailed criticism, please post it here. Don't worry if you can't think of any criticisms. I like positive feedback too.
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Post by Moira Rose on Sept 30, 2008 14:40:49 GMT
(Mod edit: You need to state that you reviewed my fic. [Sorry Pied. I reviewed your fic before this.] Can someone feedback for this one? Title: The Last 100 Days URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4557793/1/The_Last_100_DaysGenre: Romance/Tragedy Characters/Pairings: ZackxAerith/Aeris Rating: K+ (nice and safe) Status: WIP Summary: During CC. Aerith wakes one night from a vision where Zack is killed in combat. She knows time is running out for them, so she vows their final 100 days will be the best Lt. Zack Fair has ever gone through. ZackAerith. Type of feedback wanted: Constructive, useful criticism. I need someone whose more experienced at this stuff so if you could? Thanks you guys. And I don't mind compliments...Who does? Moira <3
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Post by fearandloathing on Sept 30, 2008 17:34:56 GMT
OHMFG. I was right in the middle of writing this goddamned post and I CLICKED X BY MISTAKE -_- Failandloathing. Okay, Moira, so I had a few examples/points, which I then deleted, so I'll cover them real quick The guns are cocked at ready, ready to shoot once the - repeating the same word right next to each other can either be very powerful, or just sound like you can't think of another word, watch out for this. Also the phrase is 'at the ready'. laying someone with spiky blond hair not unlike his down - I'd advise you put 'down' next to your verb, as descriptive sections can make a sentence read odd if the action is seperated too much. This is a free and debatable point, but if it was me I'd write 'laying someone down...' Till there's just - A till is what you put money in, 'until' is what you are looking for, and 'til' is not considered acceptable english unless you are being very informal. She at that time, couldn't bear to tell Zack,... - this is 'over-comma-ing' IMO, and 'At the time she couldn't bear to tell Zack' is just as good, if not better. But now, it was Zack - no comma necessary again. She looked at the clock. Usual time, as always - what's 'usual time'? Is the clock broken and always at the same time or is it the time she always wakes up? This isn't really clear. When did time start slipping away so fast? She almost ran to her flowers, as if she thought hurrying the tending of the flowers could somehow bring Zack to her faster - this highlights one content issue I'd like to point out, in that she is trying to bring the end of the day so she can see Zack ASAP, right? So 'when did time start slipping away so fast' doesn't agree with this because surely time can't flow fast enough to bring him to her. She worked for hours, that may have been just minutes actually - I always use caution around the word 'actually', it's very open to useless abuse. It's also not good practice to use 'that' after a comma, it is usually 'hours that...' or 'hours, which...' There are more things I could bring up if I was to be a mean stickler, but those are just a few examples to point you in the right sort of direction. Okay, so I don't have much VII fic, so I'll assume enough people have played X to put this up. Title: How to be Ifrit URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4009751/1/How_to_be_IfritGenre: Humour, Random Characters/Pairings: Rikku-centric Rating: K Status: Oneshot Summary: Now, the thing was she had 'sorta' expected Yuna's pilgrimage to be more exciting than this. Type of feedback wanted: Reviews posted on the story I guess and anything longer on here, looking for concrit, character-OOC-ness (I'm aware she's exaggerated here, but it was for the purpose of funny so I beg forgiveness) and whether you laughed at all. Splendid!
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Post by piedflycatcher on Sept 30, 2008 17:43:40 GMT
Okay, Moira, here's a critique of the first chapter for you. I tend to focus on the writing, so it's mostly line edits rather than plot or character-type stuff. There are some grammatical errors and awkward sentences, so here are a few examples... The guns are cocked at ready, ready to shoot once the command is given.First bit doesn't make sense. Would read more smoothly if it just said 'The guns are ready to shoot...' She struggles through them laboriouslyAdverb unnecessary. The first section could do with maybe a little more description. It's nearly all visual - what about sounds and smells? she can see him behind a boulder, laying someone with spiky blond hair not unlike his down.Structure a little awkward here. there's slight conversation, but no response from the latter.I'm not sure how you can have a slight conversation. Also, if Cloud doesn't respond, it isn't really a conversation. Zack says something and gets no response. I think just writing that would be simpler. shooting rounds of ear-splitting bullets, flashing swords hit his own, blood spraysVerb agreement isn't right here. It would have to be 'shooting rounds', 'swords hitting' and 'blood spraying'. That's a bit awkward though. It might work better shorter and more punctuated, like 'Bullets whine, swords flash, blood sprays...' etc. They move towards his crumpled body slowly, she can almost see the dark sadism that burns in their minds.Ungrammatical. Needs to be two separate sentences. I really don't like the last clause though. It seems OTT and it goes against the nice simplicity of the way you've described the scene so far. If this scene is Zack's death scene, then the soldiers attacking him aren't actually SOLDIERs, they're just MPs. Ordinary grunts. She at that time, couldn't bear to tell Zack, leaving him to go and learn the outcome of ShinRa-born individuals.This is a bit awkward. I think omitting 'at that time' would make it smoother. The last clause sounds odd as well... I think it would be simpler just to say that she left him to find out for himself. How...long more?This sounds odd too; I think 'How much longer?' would be the more natural way to say it. It is hardly enough!This sounds too formal for Aerith. Using contractions would help, but she'd still sound a bit imperious. I guess the nearest equivalent would be 'That's not enough!' Then, she felt the voice ebbing away like a vast ocean emptying to nothingness. The last note was a whisper.Bit of a mixed metaphor here. Maybe you should stick with either the ocean imagery or the musical imagery. Her hands shook as she pulled the blanket over herself, the ribbon was clutched limp in sweaty palms.Ungrammatical. It would work if the second clause said 'clutching the ribbon in sweaty palms.' Would the days after he, she gulped, died, be spent like this, clinging to the last thing she had of him? Would 100 days see her lying on her bed, eyes already cried dry, trying to hold on to vague memories.'She gulped' doesn't fit and I'm not sure how it could fit except if you inserted it in parenthesis. Also, the second sentence is a question and therefore needs a question mark. I'm wondering if these sentences might be the wrong way around too. The first talks about what she'll do after Zack's death and the second talks about the days leading up to his death. And her heart was heavyYou start sentences with 'And' a lot. I can see what you're going for, but I think it's used just a few times too often, like with this line here. There's very little sense of place in the second scene until near the end; I think just mentioning that Aerith is in bed would help. Where is her ribbon anyway? Does she wear it even in bed, or does she grab it from a bedside table or something? Anyway, overall the writing is decent. It just needs a little polishing, that's all.
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Post by Moira Rose on Oct 1, 2008 0:22:21 GMT
Oh gosh, Thanks you guys! I'll make the changes but at the moment, I have to quickly get studying for my end of years (3rd Oct, 6th to 10th Oct) so it might take a while. GoldenShinyWireofHope (co-writer) and I will revise the sentence structure (Argh...my grammar seems to have gone out the window by the time I was 11) and the meanings. It's quite convoluted and messy now that I've looked through what you have to say. I'll do them soon, but it really depends on when I have the time. Sorry, but exams call the shots in my life. Moira
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leradny
Civilian
Princess of Swords
Posts: 95
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Post by leradny on Oct 1, 2008 3:27:55 GMT
fearandloathing: You say that it is a random fic in your author's note at the beginning, and it is very random. So many things are happening that the description is spread rather thin. If you were to rewrite this, concentrating solely on the mimicking with the singing as a lead-in would greatly improve things. The good part is, your fic was also genuinely funny most of the time; everyone seemed to be in character. It's not always easy to get a fic from Rikku's point of view to sound exactly right while retaining your own original style, but you managed it very well!
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Post by Moira Rose on Oct 1, 2008 11:55:45 GMT
You'll be pleased to note that I've finished editing the chapters. Thanks a lot fearandloathing and Pied Flycatcher. GoldenShinyWireofHope and I really appreciate it <3 Moira
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Oct 13, 2008 6:35:29 GMT
Hey Moira! I just read what you have so far for your 100 days fic. It's really cute! I left you comments on FF.net so you can read them there. Also, if you or GSWoH ever need another writer, I'd be down (but if you only wanted one that's okay, too). That being said, here is a FFX fic that I'd love for someone to R&R: Title: Original Sin URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/2900561/1/Original_SinGenre: Tragedy/Romance Characters/Pairings: Lenne/Shuyin Rating: T Status: Chaptered, WIP Summary: A story about the events of the machina war a thousand years past, the rise of Sin, the first high summoner, the origin of the aeons, and the love of Lenne and Shuyin. Type of feedback wanted: Anything substantial that you have to say would be greatly appreciated! I would also prefer you to leave the comments on FF.net.
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Post by Moira Rose on Oct 13, 2008 14:36:49 GMT
Tennyo - REALLY?! You'd do that for us?! Aww... thanks! I'll talk with GSWoH and get back to you. But with me at the helm of our story, well, I'll take you in with OPEN ARMS. Having to write a good 96 more days is pretty taxing if you ask me.
I'll be sending you a copy of the prompts that we'll be using for the story (every chapter has a prompt) and you can get started. After a talk with GSWoH, I'll tell you when and what you need to do, what the "commitment" is, blablabla (I'm starting to sound like this is such a big deal! Well, it is to me!)
Sadly, I haven't had enough money to get anything other than FF7 so I don't know any of the other stories/games like FFX. If I ever find out the story, I'll review it for you. But (sorry) I don't know the story. (Ack noob alert!)
Moira
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Oct 13, 2008 20:58:31 GMT
It's okay. I do have a FFVII fic up as well if you wanted to go look at that. But yes, I'd love to write a chapter or two (or more) for the 100 days fic. Send the prompts my way!
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Oct 16, 2008 19:36:15 GMT
I'm on it, t3hmanic! Look forward to my comments! Anyway, I posted this in the other thread but since it's locked I will post it here: Title: The Place Where There is Water URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/3167385/1/The_Place_Where_There_is_WaterGenre: Spiritual/Angst Type: Chaptered Pairings: Cloud/Tifa Rating: T Status: WIP Summary: What events took place between the explosion on the rooftop and when Cloud woke up in the church? After the terrible explosion, the members of AVALANCHE try to deal with the reality that Cloud may be dead. Can an already departed friend help them? Quite Tifacentric. Set during AC. Crit: Anything substantial you have to say I would greatly appreciate. ^_^ Please leave reviews/comments on ff.net. That is the fic I would like people to read and review more than any other. Now that I am back into fanfiction I am going to finish this one, however outdated it might be.
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leradny
Civilian
Princess of Swords
Posts: 95
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Post by leradny on Oct 21, 2008 5:45:02 GMT
Tennyo: Leaving reviews chapter by chapter, since they're so long. Anyway, nobody gave feedback on mine, so I'm trying again. This is a Kingdom Hearts fanfiction, but we should be familiar with the protagonist (Cid!). I have tried not to stray too far from anyone's original characterizations, but circumstances have caused me to make a few adjustments. Cid's profanity in particular was minimized in accordance with his Kingdom Hearts portrayals; I tried to make him snarky enough to kick some ass anyway. Title: Ace URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4450479/1/AceGenre: Tragedy/Horror Characters/Pairings: Cid Highwind, a boatload of other Final Fantasy characters (FFs 4, 7, and 8 in particular); the only established pairings are Cid/Shera and Kain/Rydia, but it's not like they get expanded anyway. Rating: T, for an expressly unhappy ending. Status: (e.g. oneshot/chaptered, complete/WiP etc) Oneshot Summary: Cid Highwind had a moment of glory, almost ten years ago. Or... maybe not. Type of feedback wanted: Constructive criticism, left on FF.net.
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Post by Tennyo (Nentikobe) on Oct 21, 2008 7:34:18 GMT
Oh thank you so much, leradny! I was beginning to think that no one would read mine! ^_^ I can't do it right now but I promise to take and time to read your fic as well!
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Post by sixthlimb on Jan 19, 2009 18:38:56 GMT
Well I've been reviewing Mendge's one story, that new one, both openly and...not openly. So, prerequisite filled!Fixed! I...reviewed leradny's story. I still think it's strange, though. I've READ the first post. How could I miss that? What a terrible mistake, but I've generally rectified the problem...I think. Um...cheers~ ------- Title: Inspiration URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4765815/1/InspirationGenre: General Characters/Pairings: Reeve/Aerith... Rating: K Status: Oneshot, complete Summary: It's not often you meet someone who understands where you're coming from. You don't need so many words. Sometimes, a single touch can say it all. (Gag me with a spoon, yessss that's my summary.)Type of feedback wanted: Well, given that it's a oneshot, I won't get much out of people either way BUT BUT BUT... Just feedback in general. So it could be any one of those things, like concrit, flame, uhhhhhhh... If you want to call me an idiot and throw the fic into a firewall, yeah...be my guest. Because I'd like to see that happen, Star Ocean style! Oh and...uh...put it in a review please... Why am I grasping for straws here... Eh, whatever.
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Post by Moira Rose on Jan 21, 2009 13:56:10 GMT
Reviewed yours Sixth Limb! xD Let's see...Mine. Title: Fairytales URL: www.fanfiction.net/s/4739104/1/FairytalesGenre: Romance/Angst Characters/Pairings: Yuffentine, CloTi, Cloud/Yuffie Rating: T with undertones Status: Oneshot, complete. Summary: There are times that she reads those old fairytales again, with tears running down her face. Life was never fair. Feedback needed: As some of you may know, this story was the hardest one I've done. I've never liked Yuffentine or Cluffie, and never wrote from Yuffie's POV ever, but I made myself try it, just once, so I could see how well I could pull it off. So far, feedback's all been good, but not really constructive. I turn to y'all for some good ol' concrit. Please leave it in a review-form, I keep forgetting to check this thread... Thanks. xD
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